After All
Why exactly have we been conditioned to believe that having “it all” should be our sole aspiration? I used to think that is what I wanted for myself. I wanted to be busy. I wanted to be important. I wanted to be successful. I also wanted to be liked. And loved.
Until I realized that to achieve all of those things at one time meant that I would be tired. I would have mom guilt. I would feel inadequate at my job. I would be short-tempered. I would feel depleted. I would be unhealthy in mind and body. And ultimately, I wouldn’t be so important. or successful. or liked. and maybe not even loved. All I would be was busy.
If you have read any of my posts so far, you’ll know that after I sold my business, I took some (uncomfortable) down time to rest, regroup, and prepare for what was next. Everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) kept reminding me to appreciate the ability to slow down. And I began to, at least to the extent that my pre-conditioned mind and body would allow myself to. However, after several months, I was antsy to be productive again. I wanted to produce an income to help support my family. I wanted to produce a sense of accomplishment outside my home. I wanted to produce a job title for myself simply so I could answer the mundane question of “what do you do?” I also wanted to support another local business. And I was fortunate enough to gain an opportunity to do those things.
A few more months later I was offered two additional roles that felt so aligned with what I saw for my future that I couldn’t pass up either, even though I knew it would be a big jump to learn two new jobs while managing the rest of life. But isn’t that what I wanted? The busiest life? The higher income? The recognition? I had started to redefine my goals during my work sabbatical, but not enough to recognize the trap I was falling right back into of valuing performance over presence. I am an achiever. Based on my past, I could make it work. With the flexibility and grace of my three employers, my husband, and my daughter, I kind of sort of did. Until - I didn’t.
It was Monday, October 2nd. My dad’s birthday. He would have been 73 years old. As it trickled into my consciousness that day when I became aware of the date, I was struck by how hard it was to fathom how much he had missed, how much I had missed him. It was also the day my 3 year old was having her ear tubes replaced and her adenoids removed. It was also the day I squeezed in 5+ hours of work split between two jobs even though it was our weekly mommy/daughter day.
And then, I received a text from one of my closest friends that she had been diagnosed with preeclampsia and was being admitted to the hospital to likely deliver her daughter 6 weeks early. And all at once what I had already subconsciously suspected very heavily struck me like the weight that it was. I was going to miss as much as my dad had, just for a different reason. I had almost no space to respond to life. And when the space is razor thin, you’re bound to get cut. I responded immediately that I would do anything I could to support my friend. And I meant it. I would find a way to make it happen, even though my bandwidth felt like it was registering a negative number. But the stress of trying to “make it all happen” or be “enough” for everyone relying on me was too much. And I worried that this little knick from that razor thin space could turn into a gushing mess if I didn’t respond accordingly.
As hard as it was to feel like I was letting down someone I had grown to care deeply about by putting in my notice, I recognized that it would prevent me from letting them down even further by failing to show up fully and authentically moving forward. After talking to my second (unpaid) therapist (aka my best friend since second grade), I was also reminded that I needed to do more than recognize the dissonance but to act upon that recognition in order to not let myself down. Yes, I wanted to support another business owner and her dreams and aspirations. In fact, I still want to support her - just in different ways. I also want to support and honor myself by creating the life that I envision for myself.
I know now that my vision is not one of busy-ness but of space for allowing life to happen. Space for me to return to this beat up laptop and share these words with you.
After all, what’s the point in living if we don’t have the capacity to engage with life’s moments as they happen, whether that be making meals for an earlier than expected postpartum mom, or simply feeling the sunshine on your face without immediately turning away from that warmth for the fear that you’ve missed an email, slack message, or text?
Finally, I’ll leave you with this. One of the businesses that I work for is called Aught, which means “anything at all.” I love the owner’s hope for each of us to not necessarily strive to have it all but instead to recognize that it all can mean just about anything at all depending on our own circumstances, values, and goals. My wish for you is that you take the time to define what your “anything at all” looks like, so you can chart a path for attaining it. And if you need help with that, I happen to know someone.
