When What’s Next Doesn’t Come

When a former colleague and I were trying to schedule a lunch date in January and the first open day she could find was February 22nd, I thought, “Are you crazy?  I don’t know where I’ll be living or what I’ll be doing in over a month.” I had just committed to an initial phone interview scheduled with a company in another state. In my mind, I was already envisioning completing the interview process, landing the job, up and moving my family, and starting a new career all within the space of a few weeks between this conversation with my friend and the end of the following month. I think someone should have instead been asking me “Are you crazy?!”

This period of transition would surely move quickly. That’s how things work, right? Because I was feeling so unmoored, my belief was one of necessity. I needed to believe that the hiring process which I had put into motion would force me (and those in my orbit) to move from Point A to Point B, and quickly. Here we are at February 22nd, and I am still right where I was when we planned today’s lunch, doing exactly the same thing, only with the addition of journaling about it. I am still trying to figure out what is next for me, career-wise. I never received a call for a follow up interview after that initial one.

I have since applied to multiple other jobs and even submitted letters of interests to organizations without open positions listed letting them know I would love to work alongside them if something should become available soon. I have researched, reached out to, and even visited other child care facilities, deciding that the one we currently have for our 2.5 year old is not sufficiently engaging her. She is safe and she is happy. It is so close that we sometimes walk to pick her up. There is enough good about it not to throw a grenade at the situation and blow it up, but I’m finding that’s what I do when I feel uncomfortable with the stillness. Rather than sitting in the discomfort and reflecting, learning, studying, listening, growing, I make my own plans for change because I have the strong desire to be in control. I have taken the time that has been given to me and I have filled it up with busy-ness.

I met a friend and mentor recently for lunch. When we first sat down at the restaurant she asked “how are you?” I initially gave the instinctive reply of “I’m good” and was prepared to move right along to “what do you normally get here?” Then, I looked at her and remembered who was asking. This was someone who really wanted to know the truth, so I said “actually, I’m ok.” I proceeded to tell her what was going well. I had just come from a massage appointment, and I was appreciative that I finally had the time, money, and wherewithal to get one. I was also feeling lost, stuck, uncomfortable. I told her about the job interview, about how excited I had been about the opportunity, but that I hadn’t heard back after weeks. Then I heard myself saying to her what I knew deep down but had not yet admitted to myself. I told her that I am often someone who makes a decision to pursue something, gives it everything I have, and decides no matter the sunk costs, that I’m all in. Not hearing back from the organization was providing me that oh so needed pregnant pause, the one that would allow my mind to rest, to retreat, to allow my body to breathe, to feel, and to allow my gut to speak to me that a hasty out of state move causing me to uproot my content toddler and husband was not the way I wanted to go about this. I had pursued this job because I was interested in the position. More importantly, I thought it would help me achieve my ultimate goal of moving closer to family. Yes, I would love to be closer to family, but is this the way in which I wanted to make that happen?

I proclaimed out loud that I didn’t even want a “regular” job. After owning my own business and having a toddler in daycare who is seemingly always sick, I had decided (at least internally) that I appreciated the flexibility I had in being my own boss and setting my own schedule (to the extent my clients’ schedules allowed). I recognized at this point in my life I would never feel like I was living up to other leaders’ and coworkers’ expectations. If I worked for a company with a set schedule, even with post-pandemic flexibility built in, I would fear the perception of my work ethic being less than stellar from having to call out to take care of my daughter, visit my mom, or the worst, take care of myself after taking care of others got the best of me. The truth is that I think I would struggle to ever feel as passionately compelled to work for someone else’s cause. I have so many of my own I want to pursue. Which one will be next? I’ll be sure to let you know here when I (with the help of so many supporting me) uncover the next gem! In the meantime, I’ll be writing about sitting in the unknown and lessons learned along the way.