Words Worth Our Attention
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better.”
— Maya Angelou
I just listened to a podcast episode entirely devoted to two women sharing phrases that drive them (and their audience members) crazy. It was so subjective and arbitrary. It seems like we are at a point in society where we are bombarded with rules about which words and phrases we should or should not say. I appreciate the improvement in our collective awareness but also worry that the fear of saying the “wrong” thing can add to social anxiety for many of us. The phrases that are annoying to one person may not bother another. They may even be comforting. I wish we would stop focusing so much of our energy on micromanaging how other people speak to the point that they don’t feel like they have a voice at all. It’s no wonder we leave conversations and nitpick the heck out of what we said. We feel like everyone around us is doing the same. Case in point: this podcast episode.
At our local Women in Entrepreneurship meet up yesterday, we had a discussion about how it can rub us the wrong way to be called ma’am, honey, darling, and sweetie, though some may find (or once have found) those same terms endearing. Some of the phrases that annoyed these podcasters were “at the end of the day,” “no problem” (that one actually drove my dad crazy), “fur babies,” and “in these unprecedented times.” Some of those may feel too well worn, trite, or simply annoying, but I don’t think they are ever going to be misconstrued as hurtful. I recently wrote about the phrase “everything happens for a reason” not resonating with me anymore. I’m not going to judge someone or avoid speaking to them if they say that. It might not sit squarely with me, but it’s not going to incite an emotional response.
Where I feel like we should invest our time thinking before we speak is with words that may carry a damaging weight with them, as opposed to those that might not mean a thing (literally as in the case of “at the end of the day”). Another white friend of mine and I were sharing over coffee how much we try to be aware of how the things we say around our black and brown friends are received and often beat ourselves up after conversations if we feel we may have misspoken. I was in a setting recently where I was talking to some amazing black women when we began discussing how they look fabulous and I was always surprised to learn or remember that they had older children, because their skin looks like they are still in their 20s and my under eye bags and dark spots would have you pegging me for a decade older than I am. One of them responded with “you know, they say Black don’t crack.” I uttered “that’s so unfair.” I could have curled up into a ball as soon as it came out of my mouth. How many things in this world and life are stacked against my female counterparts with a different skin tone than mine? I didn’t say anything about my comment for fear of drawing more attention to myself and my ignorance and for fear that my intentions would then be questioned further. I wish I had addressed the comment immediately. Instead, I went home and stewed on it. Jasmine, Femeika, and Jessica, I am sorry if my words were unthoughtful and/or hurtful. I recognized it then and should have spoken up.
Now for a set of phrases that I have personally used in years past (especially in my adolescence) that have since become thought-provoking, and more accurately, emotion-provoking. Anytime I hear someone casually say “kill me now,” “I’d rather kill myself,” “shoot me now,” “slit my wrists,” “I need that like I need a hole in the head” or something similar, I am provided a visual that brings me to a very real, very dark, very sad, very helpless moment in my life when my dad decided he would in fact put a hole in his head. I know others that have struggled with suicidal ideation themselves, and I can only imagine that this is a trigger for them as well. Please find another way to say you’d rather be doing something else. There is too much gun violence in our real lives to mock it. And according to the CDC, “suicide was the second leading cause of death for people ages 10-14 and 25-34” in 2020. Let’s not make it seem like a nonchalant event to those looking up to and learning from us.
Again, I’m not someone who is going to judge a person for saying this. I have made similar remarks in the past and I’m sure I have made hurtful ones relating to other issues more recently. I will start to address the elephant in the room, though. In the past, I’ve let it go, not wanting to create another rule for someone to follow. However, I’m recognizing that my voice should be heard on this topic, because when we know better, we can do better.
