Held
The other day as we left the playground I scooped up my daughter and started to set her down into the stroller. She wrapped her arms tighter around me and said “hold,” so I did. I managed to carry her with her head resting on my shoulder and her arms and legs wrapped around me as I also maneuvered the stroller not so smoothly along the sidewalk and back into our neighborhood. I made it probably half a mile before I asked if I could put her back in her stroller. She said, “no, hold you mama.” I thought to myself yes, baby, you are holding me. I may have been doing the heavy lifting but she was supporting me in that moment. She is 2.5 years old, almost 30 pounds, and often telling me “no touch my [insert item of the moment]” or “go away pease” or “my do it myself.” She has just started closing the bathroom door and asking for “privacy” (as I hoped she would). In this stage of her ever growing independence I cherished these cuddles, even as I struggled to push the stroller and support her.
We reached a neighbor’s house. I was going to temporarily park my stroller there so I could more easily carry Luna home the rest of the way. Instead, my friend came outside at the same moment I pulled into her driveway. We chatted and ran inside for Luna to use her bathroom. As we continued to talk, we decided to have my husband come grab Luna and handle dinner so that I could stay a little longer with my friend to share a glass of wine and catch up on life. By inviting me in and to stay and talk in the midst of her own busy mama life, my friend was also holding space for me that day.
That occasion reminded me of a session in which I must have been talking about how much I confide in my mother-in-law, when my therapist said it sounds like she is someone who “holds” you. I had never heard this term before for someone who supports another. My mother-in-law is incredibly supportive but lives in another state and is not an overly touchy-feely person, so this verbiage at first felt funny to my ears. As my therapist elaborated, I came to understand what she meant. Someone in my life who “holds” me doesn’t mean that they physically hug and cuddle me regularly but that they intentionally hold space for me. They hold me accountable. They listen. They care about my wellbeing. They love me, maybe not unconditionally but with more grace than others who do not know me as intimately. Now that I don’t have either parent of my own to call for advice or to simply chat with about my day, I have found that my in-laws have served as surrogate parents for me. I don’t think I realized how much I had come to rely on them to fill this void until I heard my therapist point out the notion of being “held.”
I am very aware of my people pleasing tendencies and have realized since that conversation that I was seeking to hold and be held by almost everyone in my life, at least in some capacity. What an absurd expectation! In my newly formed opinion, the role of “holder” should be reserved for those with whom you have deep relationships or those who at least take actionable steps to get to know you better. It is no surprise that marriage vows traditionally state “to have and to hold.” I have now tasked myself with recognizing who holds space for me not necessarily regularly but in times when I express that need. In turn, I’m practicing doing the same for that relatively small group of people. I’m learning to allow those who want to hold me to do so and to recognize the role they are playing in my wellbeing. I’m trying even more diligently to not put so much of my own energy into those who don’t fit in that category. Basically, I have stopped pouring into those who don’t reciprocate. Recognizing that we all go through seasons of life in which our capacity to "hold”others varies, I have learned that those who are never in a place to initiate the text thread, pick up the phone, or commit to engaging with me are not the ones for whom I need to continually be making space. My bandwidth is limited. So is everyone else’s. I’m going to focus on appreciating those who hold me and be mindful of those I choose to hold.
