Specificity
Last weekend, I served on a mentor team to support a business owner in a 48-hour pitch competition with a $10,000 prize awaiting the winner. On night one, we were receiving instructions and a general pitch outline when it was stated that the last element should be the “ask.” One of the competitors then asked if he should only request a $10,000 investment (knowing this was all that would be awarded) if his business actually needed more. The answer struck me in its simplicity. “Ask for what you need.” The host elaborated that one business may only need an initial $10,000 investment, while another would require a larger influx of capital, another could benefit from volunteers to beta test a product or service, and another could use help forming connections with vendors or partners. He reminded everyone that you never know who could be in the audience and who beyond the judges would be listening to these pitches that might be able to offer additional resources.
How often in our everyday lives do we need to be reminded of this simple directive? “Ask for what you need.” I am guilty of often doing things myself, because I find executing the task itself less daunting (no matter how full my plate already is) than asking someone else to pitch in. I have learned that a lot of my own self-worth in the past has been driven by what I think others’ views of my accomplishments have been. I recently listened to Shauna Niequist’s Present Over Perfect and one of the most profound lessons I took away from it is that being capable is not the most important characteristic to strive for in life. I listened to her talk about losing that spark of fun, of joyful playfulness, of living, to become someone who could achieve things. I felt this to my core. To elaborate on the point she was making, if you never ask for help, how will you ever free up the capacity to simply enjoy the little moments of life? If you’re so busy trying to accomplish EVERY task that could be shared between your spouse, your friends, your co-workers, your family members, your neighbors, then how can you ever slow down enough to simply appreciate the in between moments?
When I had employees, I was able to exercise that delegation muscle and felt like I did it pretty effectively, but in my personal life I’m not nearly as proficient at the skill. Not only do I not verbalize my needs, but I have in the past failed to recognize others’ if not directly vocalized as an ask to me. I have started trying to be a better listener and in that role being more intentional about listening to what someone is expressing as a need and offering a direct solution to that problem.
I had a neighbor pass me on a walk recently and mention that her baby was fighting naps and would only sleep while in a stroller or being held, making it hard for her to accomplish anything. Oh, how I could feel the pain of that struggle. Luna practically never napped during the day as an infant. Instead of anyone offering support, I was often told, “at least she is a good nighttime sleeper.” Yes, she did much better at night than during the day, and I was genuinely thankful for that. However, I was also stressed about my failed attempts to pump or do anything else I felt obligated to accomplish during nap time only to have that window dissipate before my eyes. I chose a couple days where I had a particularly flexible schedule and sent that neighbor a text offering to come hold her baby so she could run an errand, do chores, take a nap or shower, whatever she needed to accomplish. She didn’t take me up on it this time, but that tangible offer instead of a generic “let me know if you need anything” (which we all know goes unanswered a great majority of the time) was the type of support I would appreciate receiving and hope to offer to others in my life who hold space for me.
I have mentioned several times that I have multiple business ideas and don’t know which direction to go. I have not specifically asked for help or guidance in figuring it out, but there are good listeners around me. I’ve had two people offer to grab coffee and let me brainstorm out loud and to provide their feedback. That very direct type of support is invaluable! I’m looking forward to taking them up on it. However, not everyone listens between the highlights to hear the “ask.” I am slowly learning to make conscious efforts to ask for what I need more directly.
Today, I needed to return to Loveliest to meet one last bride at 5:15 p.m. I initially suggested that I would pick up Luna from daycare, take her with me to this appointment (knowing that having her there would divide my attention and potentially affect the appointment), and then coordinate dinner plans of where and when we should meet my husband. Instead, when I dropped Luna off at daycare, she said she wanted daddy to pick her up. I listened to her wants and recognized that would actually benefit all of us. I would get more accomplished without the stress of managing logistics, Luna would feel like she was exerting some control in her life where those opportunities are limited, and Gavin would get to experience a less rattled version of me. I simply asked my husband to please pick up our daughter and figure out dinner plans. And of course he was happy to do so. No problem! That example may sound absurd to others who easily and effectively ask for help like this everyday, but this small conversation with my husband feels like a major win in the “asking” department.
